


dreaming, living

by fallencrest



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Homophobic Language, Implied league-wide homophobia, M/M, Sexual Repression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 02:05:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9577382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallencrest/pseuds/fallencrest
Summary: He dreams about Geno sometimes, dreams about him in the way he's spent years being told he's not supposed to.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Highsmith (quimtessence)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quimtessence/gifts).



He dreams about Geno sometimes, dreams about him in the way he's spent years being told he's not supposed to.

The first time someone called him gay he was still playing midget and he had no idea what it meant. Probably the other kid didn't either. It was just another insult, just another way of trying to get him back for daring to stand out, to be better, to play up. They define his career, those insults, all the way up through junior and into the NHL. There is always someone calling him something they think will hurt him.

The thing is, none of it offends him. He has a thicker skin than that. He grows a thick skin fast those early years in mites and midget, when he's the one kid everyone wants to beat. He has confidence in himself as a hockey player, has confidence that they're only insulting him because they're jealous and bitter that he can out-skate them even years younger and heads shorter than they are.

The only insults that hurt him are the ones where he doesn't understand why they are supposed to be insults, the only ones which are also probably true. 

He catches himself looking sometimes in the way he isn't supposed to. In the way hockey players don't look at other hockey players and he worries it's a breach of trust, he's their captain but it feels like maybe he's in their locker room under false pretences. He has to press that feeling down sometimes. The feeling that he's cheating, doing something wrong. He's there for hockey, he knows he's there for hockey and his focus rarely slips even the smallest bit – until he catches himself looking.

Geno is the hardest challenge he's ever had to face. Geno who is so easy and relaxed with physical affection, Geno who smiles too readily at anything Sid says. It nearly drives him crazy. 

He dreams about Geno, Geno's hands that so readily clasp his shoulder, arms which wrap around his back for photo opportunities so he's known what they feel like almost since he first met him. Geno's mouth, the feel of his lips, the press of them against his skin. 

He dreams about Geno for so long, feels the guilt that rises to something like panic when he wakes up for so long, that it's almost difficult to still the racing of his heart when he wakes up next to him.

It was something he'd never thought he could have – never dreamed he could ask for – until Geno had offered it readily. And it takes him a long time to adjust to it, to being able to have what he's never allowed himself. Geno shrugs it off when Sid tries to ask him how come he's okay with it, as though he's only acting on the natural impulse of pursuing what he wants, as if he could never perceive any barrier to that. Neither Russian law or the unspoken law of the NHL locker room appears to trouble Geno's easy sleep. 

Still, Geno stirs when he feels Sid shift in the bed next to him. He puts out his arm and gathers Sid close. 

“Bad dream?” he asks and Sid makes a noise of assent in his throat, “is okay. Come, sleep.” 

Sid rests his head on Geno's shoulder, Geno's arm bracketing him in. He sleeps and dreams about Geno.


End file.
